She's BACK!

Remember that children's move, when a bunch of dinosaurs come back and take over New York City (the animated version of Jurassic Park, basically)? I'm back, though not as a dinosaur.

Stumble with me through some seriously bad writing on my way towards some decent writing, will you? This is a personal exercise that I'm sure will remain fairly personal, but it's a journey I'm eager to embark upon. Writing kept me sane before... perhaps it will help to keep me there again.

My New Job... an Overview

The majority of my work right now is preparing for my role as a Parent-Child Educator. I am working for an organization called Metropolitan Family Services, an agency with a 157 year history. Jane Addams sat on their board at one point... it's a fairly amazing place to be :)

The project that I am currently working on is the opening of a new site for MFS. Here is a summary:

Serving the communities of Englewood and New City/Back of the Yards, Metropolitan Family Services is establishing a lEarning and Wellness Center. The Center will create an optimal learning environment by integrating early learning for children and their families with a spectrum of family supports. This Center will provide high quality full-day pre-K for 94 children ages 3-5 years and high quality full day early learning and care for 28 children ages 0-2 years. The Center will also provide home visiting services for 36 new families to empower parents as they become their child's first educator. (MY JOB!!!)

Metropolitan Family Services has identified a scope of service that will build on family assets and strengths, as well as community resources. Comprehensive resources out of this site include:

• A Family Wellness Center will be available for all area families to come together for health education, access to physical activity, and peer support. Included will be the provision of integrated health and mental health education, referrals and supports for access to pediatric health care, pediatric mental health services and emotional wellness groups. 
• Nutrition education, cooking classes, and access to a mobile food market will be provided by established partners in the areas of urban gardening and healthy foods distribution. 
• Parent engagement and family focused wrap-around supports will meet the social service, economic, legal, and educational needs of the family. Services will include parent education, job readiness training, income support services, financial literacy workshops, and foreclosure prevention assistance. 
• Services provided out of this site will be trauma-informed to meet the needs of children and families who are living with the effects of trauma in their past or present. Metropolitan Family Services will bring together new information on trauma, brain development, and the causes/solutions to emotional challenges and weave this information into learning theory and academic strategies. 
• A Family Lending Library will be available and will provide home-based literacy kits, books and materials for young children, and parent-focused materials on career development, GED tutorials, computer training, and parent development. 

RIGHT? Agh... so flipping cool. 

Autumn

Fall has always been a time for new beginnings. While the world around me begins to fade away, I wake up inside. I make new decisions. I start new lifestyles. I begin new careers and move to new places and experience an awakening of sorts.

I began what I thought would be a dream life last autumn, and I watched it fall apart in a devastating way before the first snow greeted the city. I stepped outside of myself and watched the self-destruction from afar. The days passed quickly into weeks and then months, and the chaos spiraled around my body, my body without me inside of it. I had gone somewhere else, somewhere distant and cold and lonely. I ached for connection and looked for it in places it didn’t exist, unable to hear the calls of the people searching.

I believe that people, on a fundamental level, don’t intend to hurt others. They aren’t ill-spirited or malicious, and yet the wounds they inflict don’t hurt less because they lack spite. I was damaged by people in ways I’ll never fully understand. I watched myself get struck, again and again, without comprehending the why. The blows rained down from my own lack of confidence, the people I allowed into my life, and the people I pushed away. I was in so much pain, and unable to find the strength to care.

My new beginning starts now. The daybreak of this first day of autumn in the year 2013, I pledge to renew myself. It has been developing for many months, but today is the day that I decide to remember. I will remember who I am and what I’ve done. I will remember what I have to offer and what I hope to accomplish. I will remember that I am beautiful and treasured and worthy of love. 

I attended an event this morning, at sunrise, called "Art is Bonfire." I had no idea what to expect, but I do know what I wanted it mean to me. Fire is destructive, but it also cleanses. Fire terrifies me, but it also creates space. Fire will destroy the last year, and fire will help me begin again. It was all of that, and more.

I put my hurt into the fire this morning. For me.

From a Card

"You're more than I ever expected and not even close to as great as you're going to be."

18 words just made my day.

New Life... Commence!

It's my 25th birthday. I start a new job. I have a new roommate. I am in love for the first time. 

Whoa man. 

Why Do Men Want to Fix Things?

Being in a relationship has brought to a boil many of the questions I have about men. I grew up with boys, had male friends, and had a strong father. I'm familiar with men, but I'm not familiar with men who want me. I don't know how to react when he wants to fix something, or wants to protect me. It's sweet, but I was curious about the feelings that inspire it, the emotion that provokes the desire to fix.

My male friend explained it to me tonight:

"You want to be the source of good. You want to be the one and only, in that moment, who makes her life complete. So there is a rush to fix things because I want to be related to that feeling. It might be the worst feeling to know that someone you care about needs to go somewhere else to feel better."

It never annoyed me, but now it astounds me.

21 Years

For the first time in 21 years, I am not going back to school this fall. I'm not a student, and I'm not a teacher. I'm watching my friends and former colleagues post on Facebook about their back-to-school routines and tasks. I'm seeing pictures of classrooms and children all dressed up. For the first time in my recollection, I am no longer a part of this culture. 

Instead of going back to school, I'm starting work in a new career field. At some point about eight months ago, I stumbled upon the fact that I don't want to teach, and about five months ago I came to terms with that realization. I hold dear my memories in the classroom, and remain grateful for all of the training I had. I wouldn't trade my years of teaching for anything, and still admire teachers as the superheroes they are. For me, however, it is time to move on. 

On my 25th birthday, I'll start a new job that will lead to a new career. I'll still be educating, just not in a traditional classroom. I'll remain an educator, no matter what I end up being... but this is my first autumn that will be spent doing something OTHER than school. I am both terrified and excited.