More Weakness

In my last post (a few minutes ago) I discussed muscle weakness and my unsurprising attitude regarding the judgement of others.

I have more to confess.

I know that I've only worked out eleven times thus far, and that I have a LONG way to go before this becomes habitual. For now though, I'm riding the "high" that a workout gives me. I like the feeling of pride that I get when I am all sweaty. I like logging my sessions online and watching the miles add up. I like that I can feel myself getting stronger.

So perhaps adding exercise to my life in a more consistent way isn't the problem. Which leaves one thing... food.

I've tried this before, this eating the right way bit. It typically lasts for a few days, or a few weeks... and then I give in. I give in because I'm bored. I give in because I'm lonely. I give in because I'm sad. I give in because I'm happy. I give in because I'm hungry and I want something easy. I give in because my whole life I've thought about food.

Not this time.

In related news, English muffins with peanut butter and banana = best breakfast ever.

Weakness

I woke up at five o'clock this morning and literally stumbled to the bathroom, all set on running. The stumbling part made me think twice. After that dumb (read: intense) workout last night with that fun ball of death, there was no way I was going to be able to run for 25 minutes this morning. This fact was confirmed when I attempted to walk down two flights of stairs about two hours later. In my head I was a foal about to take it's first wobbly steps, with that moment of purity and innocence that has me now searching for videos online documenting such occurrences. Be right back.

So now there are tears streaming down my cheeks and a loopy grin on my face. Anyway. In reality, I probably just looked like an incredibly out of shape woman who doesn't know how to walk correctly. Stupid squats and lunges, burning my thighs with the intensity of a thousand suns. I know you probably can't believe it... but I survived.

This evening I got on the treadmill with relatively minor discomfort; it would appear that stairs are really my only challenge. This run (number TEN!) wasn't FUN per se, but the feeling after it was fantastic. I ran through the pain, I am awesome, I am woman! It pleased me that skinny runner girl and her super fit boyfriend came into the gym at the end of my run. One, they entered when I was running for the last time before a cool down walk. Two, they didn't see me start sweating at minute six and a half, so perhaps they thought my labored breathing was justifiable. Because this fat chick just ran 6 miles or something, right? Yeah... delusions.

In other news concerning the amount of judgement I perceive from those around me, I designated my life insurance beneficiaries today. It's a free perk that comes with working with some of the most hellish fifth grade boys you could ever hope to meet, so I signed right up. I was talking with my mom this evening about it, and she was slightly offended to learn that I split the policy equally between my brothers. (Though I thought about holding a contest or something to see who could earn a 70 percent share...) We talked about how they would give her enough to have me cremated if I died an early death, and she thought they would probably keep all the money and give my body to science. Out of my mouth popped the following: "They can do that, but only if I'm skinny. I don't want those med students to judge me."

Let's file that one under "CRAZY" and keep up with this working out and eating right thing.

I Would Rather...

I never in my life thought that I might say this phrase, but there is a first time for everything:

I would rather be running.

I started saying it about 2 exercises into the core strengthening video I did tonight. This video is all about toning and improving core strength, and I remember why I stopped doing it four years ago. It HURTS, and not just my "core." My BODY hurts.


You wouldn't think this cute little ball could hurt me so much.



Now for a list of other things I would rather be doing:

1. I would rather be eating cheesecake.
2. I would rather be eating Garrett's Popcorn.
3. I would rather be on an airplane flying towards somewhere in Europe.
4. I would rather be taking a shower (at least this one I can make happen).
5. I would rather be hanging out with my brothers.
6. I would rather be at a wedding, date to be determined.
7. I would rather be starting M.eD classes tomorrow.
8. I would rather be getting together with relatives dear to my heart.
9. I would rather be on a date.
10. I would rather be sleeping (also soon to come).

For now I'll settle for doing VFH (Video from Hell) twice weekly.

OH, and running this morning went well. That is all.

Status- Long One

After a really lovely weekend at home (details to come), I'm back in the city. First thing on the agenda was to go and exercise.

I love this attitude. And just realized that if this is a lifestyle change (which I REALLY want it to be)... I have just finished 5 days out of the 24,255 days of the rest of my life, give or take a few thousand (based on living until I'm 90). So these 5 days have been 0.0002 of the rest of my life. I've got this, no problem.

Regardless, it's a cool feeling.

I ran into my first obstacle today though... my biggest fear, in fact. Other people. There were two very fit people working out when I got to the mini-gym this evening. She was running fast enough that I wasn't about to hop on the treadmill next to her, no way. So I walked confidently over to the bike (as stylish as a fat person can be in spandex) and went to town.

Stupid plan, friends. 20 minutes later my legs were starting in with a dull ache, and I'd not even started running. My heart rate was right around 150 for about 15 minutes of the ride though, so I thought it was a good cardio start to the workout.

The skinny fast girl FINALLY got off of the treadmill, so I felt a little better about hopping on... at least I wasn't next to her feeling judged. I also thought that the other people in the room might be some motivation to run a little faster. I did my first 3 workouts this week jogging at a 4.0 mph pace, and then kicked it up to 4.5 mph for workout 4, 5, 6, and half of 7. This morning I realized about halfway through the 30 minutes that I wasn't that tired, so I went up to 5.0 mph to jog. Naturally, I thought this might be a GREAT plan for tonight... but I forgot that my legs kind of hurt already.

Oh well... at least I got to call myself "sweetie" aloud a few times at the end. "Good job, sweetie. Huff, huff, whoooooo, huff. You did it, sweetie. Huff, huff, hufffffff. I'm proud of you." And THIS is why I like to workout alone.

Okay- observations and new things to add:

1. I like biking, a lot. And since a triathlon is in the works for July (LONG time from now, I know...) I figured maybe it is a good thing to add in to the week every once in a while. For cross training, obviously.
Goal... three times a week, 20 minutes. AFTER RUNNING, STUPID.

2. One of my kind-of idols commented on this blog, advising me that core strength is what running is all about. Since she looks sexy, I'm going to go ahead and trust her. About (dear Lord...) 4 years ago I did approximately 3.4 core body workouts with a big fun ball and a video. I do believe that I stopped because they were SO FRIGGIN DIFFICULT, but maybe a good thing to add into my routine.
Goal... twice a week.

3. I've been thinking about the necessity of strength training as well. Not crazy ripped muscles... just toned and healthy muscles. This whole exercise thing isn't just about running a 5K... it's about getting fit and looking good. There is a set of free weights along with a bench in the gym... I'd like to incorporate these into my routine in some way. I also have some resistance bands that I would like to (re) incorporate into my routine. I'll do some research on the free weights first.
Goal... resistance bands 3 times a week, free weights twice a week.

I'm on it. And oh oh oh yeah! There is an AWESOME (free) site called Map My Run. Find it HERE. It tracks your miles, average pace, and a host of other things... and also allows you to map out distances for outside runs using Google Maps. It's fantastic, so much so that I have already mapped out some routes for when I get the confidence to run outside (my goal is by March 1). You should check it out :)

Final Moments

On my way home tonight, my dad and I stopped at the visitation for a woman we knew from our community. Her daughter and her family live right across the street from my parents, and they happen to be the best neighbors ever.

We were talking to the husband of the woman who died tonight, and I asked him if he felt like they had a chance to say goodbye. He said that his three daughters had been gone five minutes when she passed away. One of their daughters was a little saddened that she wasn't there in the final moments.

His words struck me so hard that tears came to my eyes:

"We started that journey with just the two of us, and that is how we finished it. Just the two of us."

What a beautiful statement.

(Instant) Gratification

I know that the following has been said enough times to make it an annoying cliche, but it doesn't make it any less true.

We live in an age of instant gratification.

This certainly impacts every single part of our lives. From the food we eat (microwaves), the entertainment we seek (Netflix, anyone?), to the communication we rely on (I get upset when my Skype lags or it takes a while to send a text...), we have become accustomed to fulfilling our desires with speed and ease.

And I realized today that this new journey I'm on cannot be about the instant. If I focus on the immediate, I am guaranteed to be frustrated. Here are the things I want right now, along with what I need to settle for:

1. To run a sub-10 minute mile. Instead of this, I should probably focus on getting really good at the pace I'm at, to the point where it's not a workout anymore... and then stepping it up.

2. To run a sub-30 minute 5K. I should probably settle for running a 5K at all, right?

3. To fit into a size 8. I'll go ahead and settle for a size 16 at this point :)

4. To weigh 135 pounds. This is... fairly far away.

As my dad said tonight, "Who needs instant gratification? I'll settle for plain gratification any day." And if in a year I've come close to accomplishing some of these goals, I will certainly feel gratified.

P.S. I'm using my parents' computer, and Internet Explorer doesn't have spell check. Who made it through this entire post without a misspelling? Yeah, I'm fantastic.

Progress and Questions

So I didn't go to bed before midnight. And I did eat after 8pm. White cheddar popcorn, at that. (I've been WAY overdoing the popcorn lately, I think because I want chocolate.) Bad news... hopefully going home this weekend will help break that habit.

However, I did run at 5:30 this morning. I changed a few things from the last few runs. I've been stretching my leg muscles afterward, but without much of a cool down. After some seriously sore calf muscles last night, I thought that maybe adding a cool down period would help? So I walked at a pretty brisk (walking) pace for 5 minutes, alternated jogging/walking (4.5 and 3.5 mph, respectively) for 20 minutes, and took 5 minutes to cool down, lowering the speed at minute intervals. That 4.5 is a kick up from the 4.0 I started at on my first workout, by the way.

This is disheartening for a few reasons. One, if I were to go for a mile at 4.5 mph, it would take me 13:47. I'd really really REALLY love to get that down to about 10:00 by the first 5K. I don't want to be the only one left on the course, cause that is more embarrassing than being a fat runner. I can handle being the fat runner at a 10 minute mile pace for 5K, but not the fat AND slow runner. Secondly, ouch. I know I'm going to have to be better looking before running doesn't hurt my body so much, but I also think that maybe I'm not running with good form? My calf muscles have always been pretty strong, so perhaps the targeted soreness I'm getting has something to do with running the wrong way. At the moment, I'm mostly running on my toes- is this normal? Am I just being a wimp? Yes, probably.

Good things about this morning:
I sweat an equal amount at 4.5 mph and 4.0 mph jogs, so I might as well go with the faster pace.

Stretching afterwards feels REALLY good.

Interesting television makes for quicker runs. If I didn't have access to a treadmill and a television, I swear that this program would have stopped 10 minutes into workout 1. I'm going to need to be in better shape before the only sound around me is my labored breathing. I read last night that running with an iPod is dangerous because you can't hear the sounds around you. I thought "phooey on you" and decided that when I start running outside, my buddy Nano is coming with me.

Crying while jogging is weird, but makes things go faster. For the record, I was crying as I watched homecoming videos of American soldiers returning from overseas. Wives and children and men crying... guaranteed way to make me sob EVERY time.

And the best thing of all... just 2 minutes after getting back to my apartment, I was ready to go again. Anxious to go again. I know that it will get hard eventually. For now though, I think I'm going to love this.