Autumn

Fall has always been a time for new beginnings. While the world around me begins to fade away, I wake up inside. I make new decisions. I start new lifestyles. I begin new careers and move to new places and experience an awakening of sorts.

I began what I thought would be a dream life last autumn, and I watched it fall apart in a devastating way before the first snow greeted the city. I stepped outside of myself and watched the self-destruction from afar. The days passed quickly into weeks and then months, and the chaos spiraled around my body, my body without me inside of it. I had gone somewhere else, somewhere distant and cold and lonely. I ached for connection and looked for it in places it didn’t exist, unable to hear the calls of the people searching.

I believe that people, on a fundamental level, don’t intend to hurt others. They aren’t ill-spirited or malicious, and yet the wounds they inflict don’t hurt less because they lack spite. I was damaged by people in ways I’ll never fully understand. I watched myself get struck, again and again, without comprehending the why. The blows rained down from my own lack of confidence, the people I allowed into my life, and the people I pushed away. I was in so much pain, and unable to find the strength to care.

My new beginning starts now. The daybreak of this first day of autumn in the year 2013, I pledge to renew myself. It has been developing for many months, but today is the day that I decide to remember. I will remember who I am and what I’ve done. I will remember what I have to offer and what I hope to accomplish. I will remember that I am beautiful and treasured and worthy of love. 

I attended an event this morning, at sunrise, called "Art is Bonfire." I had no idea what to expect, but I do know what I wanted it mean to me. Fire is destructive, but it also cleanses. Fire terrifies me, but it also creates space. Fire will destroy the last year, and fire will help me begin again. It was all of that, and more.

I put my hurt into the fire this morning. For me.