Grrrrr

Sometimes life piles up frustrations that are just too difficult to figure out.

I tell myself this, and then "check" the irrationality of my own statements. Because I know that in the grand scheme of life, the annoyance that was today is nothing. I know that I really have absolutely nothing to complain about. I understand that I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways. I get all of these things.

I really do think if I wasn't doing this alone I could be okay.

Happiness

Today was a good day. A very good day. A supremely good day.

After years of instability I have some. After years of insecurity I found my place. I'm pretty happy with this new world I find myself in... I just hope I don't mess it up.

It's a wonderful feeling to be wanted again.

Plus, a great friend called with great news that filled me with great joy.

Good day. I do promise blogs of substance shall be coming.

Friendship

I have been blessed with some of the most incredible friendships imaginable. I have people I can call whenever I need to share or laugh or cry. I have people to meet up with and reminisce with and find happiness with.

But the fact of the matter is... I don't have friends like this where I live. So nights like tonight mean oh so much. And when one comes around, I'm holding on.

Prompt Day Number 1

Sometimes my life is boring. I will hazard a guess that there will be many days in the next year that will be boring. Uneventful. Lacking in thoughts to share or stories to relate or anecdotes to tell. On these days, I will respond to a writing prompt.

"Describe your first car."

It wasn't actually mine, but when I turned 16 my family had in our possession a van. I should probably tell you that it was a Dodge Caravan made in a year of the late 80's I don't remember, and that it came to us at the price of $1.00. That should have been a warning.

This van was white with scuff marks reminiscent of an over-sized gym shoe used one decade too long. It smelled that way too. The fabric on the inside was stained and the ceiling cover drooped so you couldn't fully see out the rear window. The sliding door came off if you yanked on it too hard, and never fully closed unless you did.

I didn't care; it was mine to use when it was free, and it got me to school and work and home again with steady and consistent regularity.

Towards the end of its life, the van would overheat... a lot. About every three miles or so, it was necessary to get out, pour water into the radiator, let it cool, and go again. It certainly wasn't worth replacing anything, and I think my father contended that it was good for my character and pride to be forced to obey the commands of a thirsty and tired engine. Too bad that it was the middle of winter. Too bad that twice in one day the same person in my HUGE town saw me performing said task ("Stephanie, tell your dad to fix that!"). Too bad that school was about 4 miles away and work a mile past that. Too bad that your friends had to climb in and out of the drivers' side door because it was that or the back hatch. Too bad...

Because it was mine to use.

Adventuring

I never would have called myself an adventurous person. That particular adjective wouldn't have fallen into my vocabulary if I was asked to summarize my personality.

I'm not sure when I fully realized it, but the need to adventure is, in fact, a key feature of the person I am. I went to a college where I didn't know a soul. I worked in a different state each of the four summers between college semesters. Friends... I moved to Romania.

I talk about the desire to find stability quite often. That thirst and craving for a sense of safety in a significant other, in a career, in my place in life. I thought I wanted that in a very real way.

And then I got that in a big way. The program I will be starting in June (more shall be divulged in time) provides at least 5 years of stability in my career and finances. That's a big deal, right?

So why did I have the most intense desire to move back to Europe minutes after finding out I was accepted into this teaching residency program?

The Masochism of Optimism

Masochism: "The enjoyment of what appears to be painful or tiresome"

Optimism: "Hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something"

Every once in a while, I'm struck by the inherent self-harming tendencies that accompany my optimism. I am often imbued with the "hopefulness and confidence" about my own personal future in matters of love, career, finances, social pursuits- everything really. I have developed an incredible ability to jump from "high point" to "high point" without truly experiencing the valleys in between. It works quite well.

Until the weight of all of those valleys builds up enough. I crash land about halfway up the next mountain, and skid to the bottom bruised and broken. Then it hurts.

And in consideration of the recent optimism that has me still hoping, still fighting, still wishing... I've come to realize something about myself.

I must be a masochist. Because no matter how long it takes to recover, to climb back up and regain strength, I will start jumping again.

New Beginnings

Here it the obligatory post that comes at the beginning of every year. Please excuse the cliche.

My resolutions for 2012:

1. Go an entire year without eating any sugar in the form of explicit desserts. I really wish I had gotten a piece of cheesecake before midnight.

2. Work out at least 3 times a week. It helps that there is a gym in my building and I was already doing this anyway, but I still want to count it.

3. Write something every single day. There will be boring days and busy days both, but I am making a conscious effort to record at least SOMETHING daily.

4. Read at least 20 books of substance.

What are your goals for 2012?