This is going to be a terrible post. The only reason this is about men is because I am attracted to men. This could just as easily be about women, but I'm not trying to date them.
"Did you miss me?"
Unless I actually have cause to miss you, I didn't miss you. And unless I say that I missed you, I didn't miss you. What this showcases is either your extreme lack of confidence, your desperate insecurity and loneliness, or your self-aggrandizing need to have women need you. No, I didn't miss you.
"Wen U Type Like Dis"
I completely understand that sometimes standard English isn't appropriate. For instance, it isn't appropriate when you are two years old. For goodness sake, it IS appropriate when you are trying to woo a lady who happens to be both a writer AND a teacher. IS APPROPRIATE.
"I Consider Myself an Intellectual"
I know that you went to college and graduated with that super tough degree and you sometimes read things. I'm sorry though. You're not an intellectual because you watch Game of Thrones. I know that this sounds totally judgmental, but there is more to being an intellectual than having interest in well-made television programming and comics. You CAN be an intellectual and have these interests, but it is not an automatic qualifier.
"You Need To..."
MY GOODNESS, how in the world have I survived for this long without your guidance in my life? Honestly, I just have no idea what I have been doing for the last... you know... 6 years that I have been living on my own, mostly without the support of a man. I shouldn't be alive, really. Thank you though. Thank you for your fantastic contribution to my successful future. I certainly owe it all to you.
"Undue Jealousy"
Nope, you cannot be jealous about someone that you've not laid claim to. If things don't work between the two of us, that's fine. If things never start, despite me, you know, wanting that... it's alright. I can deal with it. However, that completely and totally waives your right to be jealous about whomever I may be seen with in the future. I understand twinges of jealousy about male friends and roommates, or even about personal stories with men in them... but these twinges are not appropriate if you're not my boyfriend.
"You're So..."
When you lavish compliments on me as if you have a quota to meet, it stops being impressive. It stops meaning as much, and it makes me kind of want to roll my eyes and fake-gag right in your face. I KNOW that someone once told you that women love to be complimented and affirmed. I guess I'm just self-aware enough to realize that I am super sweet and really funny and very smart. I know I'm fantastic, so you really don't need to tell me ALL the time. I appreciate the gesture, but I think I see right through it. If you want to impress me, tell me that you are intrigued by me, and then DON'T immediately try to be physical with me.
"You Choose"
Can you make an effing decision to save your life? No? Okay, well then... please don't talk to me anymore. I want you to CHOOSE to be with me, and that is a decision. I want you to know why you're craving MY attention, and not just attention in general. There is a difference between being laid back and being a total wet noodle. I'll take the former, thanks.
"Hey"
Um... why are you sending me a text that just says "hey," and why don't you respond when I reply with "what's up?" It's a question I will never be able to answer.
"*Sob*"
I fully understand that this is the most hypocritical thing I've ever written, but holy moly. I'm an emotional person, and I know that contributes to my attraction to more reserved men. I don't want an unfeeling man by any means, but I also don't want someone who gushes more than I do. I have learned in my dealings with the opposite sex that being overly exuberant and demonstrative about my feelings isn't great. It tends to drive people away, actually. If I can show some self restraint and not write you long emails and go on about how much you mean to me... so can you. There is something really attractive about someone who guards their own emotions. After all, if you are so careful about your own emotion, that indicates that you might be careful with mine.
There are, naturally, other things that annoy me about men. I could write a post about women, and undergraduates, and everyone else... but men have been on my mind lately, and so they get my wrath on this Tuesday morning.
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