Program and Routine

A while ago I got fat. I was really active then, but still got fat. Then I wasn't very active for a while and I got REALLY fat. Depressingly fat. Embarrassingly fat. Don't look at pictures from that era fat. It translated to all kinds of negative feelings, and it was no wonder I struggled with friendships and self-image and confidence.

Then I started getting... less fat. I won't say skinny because I'm (forever) pounds away from that, but still, less fat. The pounds gradually came off all through college through not-much effort of my own, and I got back down to a respectable size.

Let's face it though... I'm still fat. I'm much more active and confident, and having someone kiss you pays huge amounts of tribute to self-esteem (we should deal with THAT psychological mess at some point), but still fat.

And currently convincing myself that if I hit the all-time blogging record for saying "fat" in a post, I won't be embarrassed any longer.

Regardless, I'm done. I'm 23 years old and I'm tired of being the fat girl. I'm tired of being the biggest in my group of friends, and thinking about what I look like ALL the time, and sucking in for every picture, and realizing that if a bear were to chase me through the woods I would die without a fight. I'm seriously very tired of that. I'm tired of the psychology that is involved in being fat, the apologies I make for myself when I'm around people, the way I feel judged every time I mention that I ate something other than a salad. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being given some sort of gift anytime someone is interested in me (What, you like ME?) and I'm REALLY tired of shopping at fat stores. I remember the first time I looked good in an XXL from Target... the feeling I got when I realized that maybe I wasn't as HUGE as I thought. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still huge-ish, I know...) I want to shop in the regular clothing department. I want to go to Cedar Point and walk right past the test seat. I want to feel as confident in my body as I do in my spirit and my brain.

I could give all of these great reasons like health and my future and that feeling of wellness. But if I'm really honest, this is because I'm tired of the way I feel about myself. I want to look good when I get up in the morning. I want to feel confident about my body when I go on a date. I want to not be embarrassed at my best friend's wedding. I want people to look at me and think "dang..." I'm shallow at heart. And truth be told, the way I look in the mirror is a lot more motivating than my blood pressure. It doesn't make sense, I know... but the best part is that if I look good in the mirror, I know my arteries are looking better too.

My brother recently sent me a link to a blog (find it here) about a pretty inspirational weight loss journey. I've spent days wrapped up in it and realized that as cheesy as it is... I need to jump on this wagon. I need to feel better about myself. I need to fit into those size 8 jeans. I need to shop for regular people clothing at Target. (I'd say a medium, but then I realized that if I keep my breasts, that is probably not ever going to happen...) So thanks to Ean... mad props, dude.

A while ago a dear friend and mentor told me about the "Couch 2 5K" running program. I've (mostly) kept my resolution this year to work out at least 3 times a week, but I realized that without a goal in mind, I'm a disaster. There is NO way that I can possibly keep up a fitness routine without some sort of program to follow. Plus, she looks REALLY sexy now.

So tonight I started with Week 1, Day 1. And I did it, and I feel good. The program calls for 25ish minutes, 3 times a week. I'm going to go ahead and do the program in the same amount of time, but double the workouts. It's only 25 minutes, and I can certainly do that 6 times a week. I'm looking for a race to sign up for in the spring (because I WILL be a runner, no matter how many bras I have to wear). After that a 10K. Then a half marathon. Then a marathon, because everyone can dream big. (Maybe it's easier to dream big if you ARE big?) Reports to come.

Follow along. Tell everyone about how fat I am, please. When you come home to an empty apartment every night, it's easy to eat wrong and not work out at all. I need the accountability.